I'm excited to announce that my new book, Hear Me Universe: How I Deliberately Attracted the Man of My Dreams, was published today, on Valentine's Day! I invite you to head on over to Amazon and download your personal copy. This Blog shares the story that inspired my book.
In 2008, I read, “The Love List,” a personal essay in Oprah magazine by Alice Gorman.[1] Gorman, a successful business owner in her 50s, had quite a satisfactory life, except for one thing: she didn’t have a romantic relationship. Taking the advice of a psychic, Gorman wrote a list of the 100 characteristics she wanted in a life partner and, to her surprise, a man who matched the list almost exactly entered her life; they fell in love and eventually married. The day after I read Gorman’s article, I told my colleagues over lunch, “I’m writing my list.”
I began a list of 100 characteristics that I absolutely required in the partner I wanted. I declared my heart’s deepest desires of how I wanted to feel in a new relationship and named the file, “Hear Me Universe.”
At the time, I was forty-four. Three years previously, I’d ended a 22-year marriage and was on a journey to understand myself better and create my “new” life. I was unsure of the whole post-divorce 40s dating scene which had left me feeling confused and uncertain about the patterns I saw repeating in my relationships with men.
I now know that the list I made was my declaration of self-love. It described what I deserved in a relationship. It defined how I wanted to feel in a relationship. It was the first step in calling to me what I most desired to experience. My theory was that, if I had a clear vision of what I wanted—my ideal relationship—then I’d “see” it more obviously.
I tested this theory in a bunch of ways, with some disastrous results, but what I absolutely learned was this: every, single time I ignored my list to be in relationships where I did not feel whole, I experienced emotional pain. Every time I compromised—sometimes just a little, sometimes a lot—on how I truly wanted to feel, I conceded my own heart’s greatest desires.
Gratefully, something always happened to awaken me from the difficulty I’d created. Like the time I literally heard my inner voice speak to me during a yoga class when I was in a relationship that required too much compromise on my part. The class was not unlike so many others I’d been in before—a typical studio and teacher, filled with mats and women—yet the teacher’s words that day pierced my heart. The theme of the class was, “truth,” and the teacher’s repeated invitation was, “find your truth.” We moved in ways to activate our solar plexus, the third chakra of the human body responsible for emotions such as self-worth, self-esteem, and personal power. My movements combined with her words created a shift in me, empowering me to break off my untenable relationship that very day.
Yet, there was apparently more for me to learn, as that relationship wasn’t the last one in which I compromised my ideal. Before long, I was in a new relationship and had slipped back into familiar patterns of settling for less than I truly wanted. Fortunately, at this relationship’s end, I spoke words that I needed to hear: “I think I’m darned cool. I’m smart. I’m kind and caring. I’m interesting to be around. I have a lot to offer this world.”
I felt that I was speaking truth, and more importantly, I felt empowered to finally step out of old patterns. When I spoke these words about my own worthiness, I had truly shifted into a new belief about myself. Internally, I promised that I would never again choose a relationship that required me to compromise my deepest desires.
In late 2009, I met Craig, to whom I’ve been married for six years, on Match, the online dating site. Encouraged by a friend, I had signed up for Match only a couple of months earlier. The process of creating my profile felt like another opportunity to speak into my own worthiness. I wrote it with honesty and from an energy of knowing myself better than ever. I uploaded photos of me in which I looked content, peaceful, and happy--none of which were professionally taken. I wanted to be seen just as I am: often a little disheveled, rarely wearing makeup, and usually smiling.
My love list guided how I described my requirements for the person I wanted to meet on Match. I was specific, direct, and unbending in what I wanted. My approach was different from the general tips offered by dating experts, which usually encourage you to avoid having a mile-long list of must-haves. I ignored the cautions against having lofty, stringent expectations. My mindset was this: I am searching for one man and the clearer I am about who this man is, the more likely I am to find him. I wasn’t interested in dating a lot; I was calling in the one. My specificity resulted in only two suggested matches, and one was Craig.
I invited Craig to meet me for coffee, because I immediately saw in his online profile the many ways that he matched my love list; the “headline,” he had written on his profile was, “I Still Want It All.” Over coffee, I learned that “All” meant that Craig wanted the relationship that we all dream of--a best friend, a confidant, a beautiful lover, and a helpmate. I learned that, like me, Craig had been deeply reflective about his first marriage, about what he wanted in this life, and about his path to understanding that who you aspire to attract is equal to who you think you’re worthy of attracting.
A couple of weeks after our first date, as he was leaving Kentucky for a holiday trip, I gave Craig two things: a copy of the poem, “The Guitarist Tunes Up,” by English poet Frances Crofts Cornford, to express how I felt when he played the guitar and sang for me, and a copy of my love list.
I suggested that he save my list to read on the plane. I explained how the list came to be and how I felt he possessed a lot of the characteristics I desired. When Craig landed in California, he immediately called me from the airport to say he’d “scored a 98.”
Months later, Craig proposed to me by singing David Gray’s “Be Mine.” The lyrics spoke to my heart. I felt I was stepping fully into the life I had envisioned when I wrote my list to the universe, with no obstacles keeping me from the life I wanted.
Our years together have been a perfect environment for self-growth, self-acceptance, and self-discovery. Attracting Craig, who lives life with vision and optimism as well as compassion and kindness, has been truly magical. He is so much more than my list.
My book, Hear Me Universe, is based on my original list to the universe. Each of my 100 desired characteristics is offered one at a time along with the answers to two key questions: “Why did that description make the list?” and, “What did I truly desire when I wrote this item?” I also crafted 100 journaling prompts, one for each item on my love list, to inspire you to get crystal clear on your ideal match.
I’m sharing my story, in hopes that my experience inspires you to align with the desires of your heart. What I know is this: the person you aspire to attract matches your vision of the person you believe you’re worthy of attracting.
Today, I took a leap of faith, belief, trust--of everything--and I ended my 16-year career in sales. I am grateful for my professional experience, my success, my colleagues' support and grace, and I am READY to step forward into what's awaiting me.
hese 16 years were preceded by 14 years as a classroom English teacher and a curriculum specialist for a school district, so today marks the end of my 30 years of working for an institution or corporation. While it's true for me that some days were long and frustrating, what is also true for me is that I loved what I did to earn a living. As a teacher, I loved my students, admired my colleagues, and enjoyed teaching literature and helping kids write about what they were learning and about who they were. In my sales career, I have served teachers and their school districts to the best of my ability. As a people-manager for most of my sales career, I've been honored to lead teams of dedicated, sincere, high-energy sales people.
You might ask then, why take a new path?
It is simply time. I feel it deep within me. To some, that may not seem like much of a reason to resign from a career that has cared for me and my family, helped fund a college education for my 2 kids, provided a more-than-comfortable lifestyle that I truly enjoy. Yet, for me, knowing it's time is enough.
As with any new path, I believe it's fueled by what we bring forth from where we've been. There is no losing something I've had, no giving up who I am. I leap today with everything I have learned and experienced and know. It's impossible to NOT step out today having been shaped by these 30 years of my life.
I bring all my abilities with me: collaborator, planner, strategist, coach, mentor, problem solver, implementor, evaluator, celebrator--these all exist within me and I can't help but be served by my experiences.
Today, then, I start anew, yes, but with so much richness to lift my sails, despite the headwind I may feel at times.
I also want to show that it is possible to start anew, whatever that might look like for you. I am proof of that. Start, first, with a vision of what you desire to bring into your life.
Two years ago, I wrote a general list of how I want my days to be, which includes:
I work with passionate learners
Energy and kindness flow from me
My days are energetic & peaceful
I bless people
Yoga is central to my day, and I share it with others
I am surrounded by great books that I read every day
My days are pleasant & the pace is exciting & perfect
Today, I have a vision, and I have experience. I'm taking action and slowing down. I'm ramping up and pacing myself. I'm feeling into a new path and using all I know to form what's next.
For today, that's enough.
"When you lead with your heart, you are enormously powerful."
Ultimately, what we all truly want in life is to be happy. Sounds simple, right? Yet, how do we achieve happiness? I suggest that the power to access your greatest potential lies in the choice to lead with love.
Some people will say that leading with love is not “realistic;” yet, what’s the alternative? When is the last time you arose and declared, “today, I’m going to be let fear have its way with me and be unhappy”?
In the time it takes for you to read this post, I invite you to ask yourself to this question: “If I choose love instead of fear, will I feel more happiness, peace, and joy?” According to the 14th Dali Lama, "When you think everything is someone else's fault, you will suffer a lot. When you realize that everything springs only from yourself, you will learn both peace and joy." There is tremendous power, therefore, in realizing that your outer world is a reflection of your inner world. This realization is another important step in your personal growth.
Stepping forward in the decision to lead with love means that you choose to accept yourself and others, that you feel compassion toward yourself and others, and that you view the life in front of you as full of possibility. When you consciously choose love, then you don’t need to put energy into finding strength or courage. You will cultivate these innate capabilities and attract others who nurture, support and encourage you.
Regardless of outer circumstances, every single human being has beauty inside them. The purpose of this being human is to bring that beauty forth—to ignite the eternal spark that is unique to YOU.
Fear is the opposite energy of love. Fear is a powerful and primitive human emotion. It alerts us to the perception of danger and was critical in keeping our ancestors alive. Fear has been identified as a “shadow” part of the human personality and is related to victim energy. When we choose to feel like a victim, we choose judgment over grace, anger over kindness, and resentment over acceptance. My friend and brilliant spiritual teacher, Christiana Herbert, instructs that everyone who has “wronged” us is either completely unaware or wounded. If you embraced this fact, how would that foster your ability to forgive?
How we view ourselves is the lens with which we view the world, which is why all personal, spiritual growth requires an inward focus. Become consciously aware of your ability to see the world through the lens of love and watch what happens to your overall happiness.
If we could change our basic stance in life, from fear to love, what would this look like on a practical level? Instead of trying to overcome our fears (which magnifies them, as what we focus upon expands), what if we could open ourselves to our present experience. Could you turn toward another with the intention of understanding? Could you release judgment toward others?
When we gain understanding of another person’s thoughts and beliefs, without a desire to change nor control them, then conflict dissipates. You may choose not to spend time with that person going forward, but the reason is not fear. Your making a conscious choice to love yourself and release any desire to control someone else is a sign of personal responsibility, which empowers your own personal, and spiritual, growth.
This week, I honor the legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., a spiritual teacher, an ascended master, a leader who stood for hope, love, justice, peace, and light. His famous quote, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that,” has broad application. Politically, socially, and personally, light is the only thing that can drive out darkness.
Yet, you may ask, “what is the nature of my light? And, what part of me is darkness?”
Our light is our truest nature, the part of us that embodies love, strength, compassion, kindness—the part of us that urges us to step into our full power, stand up for ourselves, express our feelings, and, ultimately, relate to others positively. Our darkness, some call it our “shadow” side, is that part of us that feels joyless, stuck, shame, guilt, which often results in berating ourselves with negative self-talk and doubt. Your darkness buys into the story that you are limited, that you are a victim, and that what you truly want to experience in life just isn’t available to you.
Life is always a perfect mirror for the attitudes we embrace. So, how do we cultivate an attitude that brings forward our light and understands the lessons of our darkness?
Follow those nudges and pursue the things you’ve always wanted to do.
The degree of empowerment you have will be reflected in your experiences with others. Instead of blaming others for holding you back, keeping you from being able to pursue what makes you happy, I implore you to listen to yourself and take action on those nudges you have to become a newer, better, higher version of yourself. Every situation we encounter shows us to what degree we are empowered to pursue what our heart is telling us we want. Feeling stuck in a job? Feeling stuck in a relationship? How does that feeling reflect your inner attitude? When you have yearnings but do not act upon them, what message are you sending to your innermost self?
Expand out of your comfort zone.
Following those nudges will likely be uncomfortable. In process-oriented psychology, “the edge” is the term used to describe the territory in between the known and the unknown, the past and the future, and our current concept of ourselves and what we subconsciously want to become. We often stall at the point of action because the unknown is on the other side of that action. Yet, you can always choose to draw upon your inner awareness to guide you toward your highest vision of yourself. As you shift your thinking about what’s possible, you are tapping into your greater strength, your willpower, and your spirit of determination. The situations you need to move through will present themselves and, if you’ve cultivated self-awareness, you’ll be prepared to take the next, right step. And then the next, right step.
Get the support of others to achieve what’s possible for you.
We humans are wired for connection. That’s why we organize ourselves in families and communities and societies and nations. But, don’t wait passively by to be chosen by others; identify, formalize, and rally your team! Ask for the vital support you need to encourage you beyond your current edges. Follow the light within you by asking yourself, “whose presence inspires me?” Then, choose that person and others and ask them very directly for their support. Tell them, “I’m asking you to help me in these specific ways because I am pushing my edges in these specific ways.” You must create your support team--your trust advisors, who love you unconditionally--and you must tell them what you need from them. Accountability toward your expansion? Ask for it. Comfort when your darkness begins to fuel self-doubt? Request help.
This shift in energy, in your focus on your own light, has the power to ignite in you those aspects of yourself previously unexplored. What are you waiting for? There’s never been a better time, and the world needs your light.
You need your light, too.
When you are going through a crappy time in your life--like the end of a relationship, maybe even divorce--it's tempting to look outward for all of your solutions. You look to blame your partner, (...if he would have just been more...if she would have seen me as...) whose emotions are enmeshed with your own. You may think about your circumstance constantly. And, you may turn to teachers, therapists, counselors, coaches, and self-help books. While there are so many helpful books, Websites, Facebook groups, other social media sites & personalities, just mindlessly perusing such resources in hopes of a silver bullet isn't a good way to feel better, long term.
How can you move from being mindless or mindful? Just notice you own habits for the next 3 days. Observe and record. How much time do you spend eating just to eat, not because you’re hungry; drinking alcohol in hopes you’ll feel better; browsing on the internet; allowing your social networking feed to constantly interrupt you; watching mindless TV; reciting past conversations over and over in your head; practicing future conversations that may never happen?
I get it. Being mindlessly swept away may feel like a respite. You may feel the need to see what your ex is up to on social media. You may feel the need to read advice or buy a new self-help book. You may have found me because you were seeking relief. Those needs feel important, and you’re certainly not alone. A Time magazine article in 2014 reported that US adults invest in self-improvement products and services (including books, audiobooks and seminars) at a rate of $11 billion-a-year, which is about the same size as the Hollywood film industry.
What I know for sure, though, is that you'll never get to a better feeling place by only focusing outside of yourself. Never. That's a strong statement, and I know it's true, because no one else has the answers you seek.
No one else knows what it is that you need—what you need to learn from this experience, what you need to see for your future, what you need to do today to start. Only you can know you, because only you has such deep access to you.
What can you do, starting today, then, to access you? Treat the next week as an experiment and, after 3 days of observing and recording you mindless activities, choose to replace as many as you can with mindfulness. Find a balance that works for you. Keep asking yourself this questions: how can I create fewer mindless moments and more mindful moments?
My two, favorite mindful practices? Journaling and meditating.
Journaling is a practice of telling the truth to yourself about yourself. It’s a mindful conversation. Sometimes, I recap the day at the end of the day. Other times, I'd jot down what as I was thinking or feeling throughout the day. Other days, I simply write to be surprised. No matter how I approach my journal for that day, writing allows me to start a dialogue within myself about what was going on within me. It helps bring clarity where there was none. In this way, it serves as a core mindfulness practice, offering to me insights about recurring patterns of thought or experience.
Journaling is easy and it’s cheap. A simple notebook is all you need, or you can use one of many free Online tools, like Evernote or Day One. I’ve used both of these, but I keep coming back to my plain-paper notebook. So, find what works for you.
Meditation isn’t new, but nearly everyone’s talking about it. The earliest written records of meditation (Dhyana, which is Sanskrit and means profound meditation that is the penultimate stage of yoga), come from the Hindu traditions of Vedantism around 1500 BCE. There isn’t one “right” way to meditate, but the general goal is to turn your focus inward and actively notice your breath, as you sit quietly for awhile. Start with 5 or 10 minutes a day. Set a simple timer or use an app, such as one of these:
10% Happier
Skeptical of meditation? This app features Dan Harris, the ABC news anchor who wrote a book about his grudging embrace of meditation.
Headspace
Andy Puddicombe, an English guy who has been both a monk and a circus performer, is the voice on this meditation app.
Insight Timer
A handy tool to time your meditations and share your practice with friends.
If you're new to mindfulness or if you hear that critical voice inside doubting the power of mindfulness, check out these 6 Myths About Mindfulness in this comprehensive article about the impact of mindfulness practices on sleep.
Start to be more mindful today. Unplug from the outer world. Disconnect so that you can connect inwardly. Protect your energy so it will serve you, especially if you are experiencing difficulty in your life right now.
You are powerful, but if you're leaking drastic amounts of energy by focusing outwardly, your power is compromised.
"Your relationship with YOURSELF determines your relationship with
EVERYONE in your life."
Take some time to identify each of your closest relationships and how they feel to you, relationships like your spouse or partner or siblings or children or step-children or parents or friends.
Begin by making a list—write down the names of the people whose relationship you care about and deeply value—and after you've gathering those names, read this profound passage from The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brené Brown:
"A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all men, women, and children. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong.
When these needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We grow numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick. There are certainly other causes of illness, numbness, and hurt, but the absence of love and belonging will always lead to suffering.”
So, in order to live a life where your irreducible needs are met, I invite you to find out how you can take steps to improve the relationships that you value.
You have your list now, yes? It’s probably a long list, so focus on just 2 for now—the 2 relationships that you most want to improve. Rate these 2 relationships. Use a scale of 1-10, with 10 meaning, “this relationship feels really, really good to me.” Be honest with yourself. Write down the number by the person’s name.
Let’s say one of these relationships is a “5” right now on your scale. What would have to happen to shift this relationship up the scale by just 2 or 3 points, for starters? Take these steps to begin to shift each relationship that it important to you.
1. Decide how you desire the relationship to feel.
Take time to truly answer this for yourself: how do you want it to feel? What’s your ideal? Do you want the relationship to feel easy and fun and supportive and mutual? Claim it. Imagine what it would feel like if this relationship were functioning optimally. (And, just observe your inner critic piping in to say, “oh, that’ll never happen,” and ask that voice to go silent. Blocking what’s possible before you’ve even tried is a sure way to stay exactly where you are in this relationship.)
2. Ask yourself, “what can I shift in me to create what I desire?
Here’s the truth: you can only change yourself. You cannot make another human do anything. And, truth also is, you don’t want to make someone be in relationship with you if they are not as committed as you are to nurturing the relationship. So, determine what you can do differently. Examine the situations that you leave you feeling that your needs are not being met. Look closely at your own behaviors. Note your patterns of thought about that person and about your relationship. Get really clear on your perspective about the dynamics that are creating the relationship stress. This step is NOT inviting you to blame another person. It’s inviting you look at the relationship from as many angles as possible to see it more fully, more clearly, and more completely.
3. Communicate how you feel from an “I” perspective.
You are not responsible for others’ happiness and they are not responsible for yours. But, not giving people a chance to show you who they are and how they value you is a way you limit the potential richness of the relationship.
So, you must communicate your feelings. If this feels fearful, it’s likely because you haven’t had experience with this important communication strategy. In our unaware state, we tend to use language that points the finger at people. "You make me so angry," or, "You make me feel stupid," are examples of some of the things we say to others when we don't feel things are going our way. These are examples of “you” language. Instead of taking responsibility for our own emotions, we blame the other person for the way we feel.
When we use “you” language, it tends to fuel the anger rather than extinguishing it. Julia T. Wood, Professor of Interpersonal and Organizational Communication at UNC Chapel Hill, says, "Although how we interpret what others say may lead us to feel certain ways, we can't hold them responsible for our feelings."
Therefore, you must speak using the word, “I,” as in, “I feel like I have to nag about the chores when you don't complete them. I don't want to be a nag. I don't understand what I can do to help when it comes to asking you to do things." Or, "I don't like the feeling that I am comparing you to my father. Can we talk about why I feel that way?"
Do you notice the difference? Rather than blaming the other party and accusing them of something - which immediately puts them on the defensive - you are owning your feelings and taking responsibility for them. You are also expressing your needs to the other person in a healthy way. Many times we want to blame the other person so that we don’t have to own the power we have over our emotions. When we change our “you” language to “I” language, it gives us the authority to control our emotions.
Communicating in this way may be new for you, so be willing to practice. Be vulnerable. You may need to communicate, first, about this new communication style by letting your partner or spouse or children know that you are committed to communicating your feelings in a healthy way. This will give them an opportunity to show you who they are, helping you determine what this relationship brings to your life.
You are solely in charge of your happiness, and you have the power to create relationships that offer a deep sense of love and belonging.