Hear Me Universe #89. Passionate About What Matters to Him

“I have been standing on the side of life, watching it float by. I want to swim in the river. I want to feel the current.” From “Loving Frank” by Nancy HoranWhen I read the novel, “Loving Frank,” I wrote these sentences down in my notebook and, all those years ago, I felt clear about the difference between standing on the side and feeling the current. I’ve generally lived my life by finding the current, and I believe in dreaming, striving, seeking, and sharing.My including this description, “passionate about what matters to him,” on my love list is important because, when two people are living life IN the current—not outside of  it—then I believe that what’s possible for a couple is even greater than what’s possible for the individual. Living in a creative, high-vibration, passion-fueled atmosphere excites me and resonates with me.What excites you?What resonates with you?

Hear Me Universe #88. Calm

My desire for “calm” as a characteristic in the relationship I was attracting reflected what had become important in my life in my post-divorce 40’s, and calm is a steadying force for my life, today. In my experience, approaching even the most inciting situation with calmness creates better results. Over and over again, whether in my years as a teacher, a mother, a sales manager, a relationship coach, my knowing that circumstance is temporary and choosing to breathe deeply, to think slowly, and to exude an energy of confidence in the best outcome has served me so, very well.My soul sister, Havalynn, has a saying: “losing my peace of mind is not an option.” Such wisdom! Being the observer of what’s happening, creating a little distance and a higher vantage point, offers an immediate perspective shift. Energetically stepping out of the moment’s angst and viewing what’s “real” from an outlook of the highest and best good summons magic.Once, when I was pregnant and teaching 8th grade, a student in my class threatened me with, “cutting that baby out of your stomach.” This young man was filled with anger, yet was so timid that when he spoke, his cheeks always flushed. I had sent him into the hallway for some reason, and I calmly walked out to join him a few minutes later, when he spewed out the threat. In that moment, I had a choice. While his words were threatening, I absolutely knew that he had no true intention to hurt me. He was reacting from what he knew to that point in his life, and I had the chance to make a difference.So, we talked. We talked about my asking him to leave the room and how that felt to him. We talked about his angry words and how that felt to me. I explained that when he chose to come to my classroom, he was also choosing to be a participant in our classroom community. I asked what was standing in his way of being a part of the community. He said he didn’t know, but I saw him soften. I offered him support for helping him understand his own anger more, and I involved other professionals in our school. I chose not to escalate his treat but to show him compassion and support.Your point of power is always in the present moment, that moment when you choose a response or action. What if you could be grounded and calm, even in situations that feel stressful? How would that change your experience?

Hear Me Universe #87. Spends Time with His Children

There’s nothing more heartbreaking to me than the stories of divorced adults who choose not to spend time with their children. To me, building a relationship with your child is a precious gift and nurturing that relationship by creating memories is an important part of building a life well-lived.Yes, having children means sometimes putting their needs first. It means choosing activities that are inclusive of children, that are fun for both adults and kids, and that honor your role as their parent. I believe that we choose our parents—that each soul says, “yes, I want them,” and therefore, I hold the deep, spiritual bond between parent and child as sacred.I wrote this item on my list to call in someone who also holds the parent-child bond as sacred, who knows what a treasure it is to be a parent, and who lives with the desire to build a deep relationship—and amazing memories—with their children.

Hear Me Universe #86. Takes Trips With Friends

Hear Me Universe #86. Takes Trips With FriendsThose “good, male friends,” I wrote about yesterday? Yeah, those friends as travel companions offer the perfect way to deepen these important relationships. Traveling calls us to be vulnerable--we're in an unfamiliar environment, and we help each other out. Deepening the relationships with friends who support and love us, who accept our vulnerabilities and encourage our growth, is vitally important to creating deep friendships. I think of these friendships as a personal team.  What if your personal team was named for you—like “Team Anella”—and you knew you could count on them no matter what? What would you do to nurture and grow the strength of that team? Whose personal team would want YOU as a member, because of your commitment to creating a life you truly love. I wrote this desire on my love list, because I believe that we need each other. We can best thrive when our intimate relationship is precious, loving, and strong; when our friendships support us along this journey, helping us live closer and closer to our highest potential; and when we deeply love ourselves.Those 3 loves—the love of self; our intimate, loving relationship; and the unconditional love of a sisterhood or brotherhood—are the pillars supporting you to bring the very best YOU to this world. And, when the story in your head about this life isn’t serving you, you have 3 pillars prepared to hold you up, every time, if you’ve cultivated all of them in your life.Take some time to evaluate your team. Have you cultivated this kind of support? Do you need new members? Look at those around you and be sure they are lifting you up, every day, helping in big ways and small, with an open heart. Be the kind of team member that would be a match for your contribution to the team. What can you do to call them in? Look for them in communities that are today's thought leaders about how our thoughts create our experience. Examine your own limiting beliefs about how deeply caring a community could be, so that you're open to being cared for deeply.What are your personal practices of self-care? It all starts within. Meditate daily. Move your body. Daily. Practice affirmations that serve you in changing your perspective of what's in your past experience. Live with a lightness of being. Create your personal team, one pillar at a time. 

Hear Me Universe #85. Has Good, Male Friends

I’ve come to better understand the role that other women have in my life—that sisterhood is a foundational need for me and, I believe, for all women. Writer Bell Hooks exerted that, “Women are divided by sexist attitudes, racism, class privilege, and a host of other prejudices. Sustained woman bonding can occur only when these divisions are confronted and the necessary steps are taken to eliminate them.” Cultivating deep bonds with other women—for me, who has no biological sisters—has been a buoy that has sustained me far more than once.Men, likewise, have a history of competition, self-reliance, and independence and have lived much of history announcing clear winners and losers. For this and other sociological reasons, I believe that men need brotherhood: good, male friends that support their own human growth & development.From my primary, intimate relationship, I am held safely, lovingly, and wholly. And, in an equally powerful but different way, my sisters hold me safely, lovingly, and wholly. I need these influences—along with loving myself wholly—to create this beautiful life. I want my husband to be as supported by brotherhood in the same way—safely, lovingly, and wholly.

Hear Me Universe #84. Has Hobbies

I was asking for a partner who stretches & extends himself, and I wrote “has hobbies” as a description that represents the desire to immerse deeply in something that’s purely fun. Years ago, a friend recounted a conversation she had with her young son, explaining the meaning of avocation and extolling the importance of developing a part of you that may lie dormant, yet makes your heart sing.I’ve come to understand even more clearly now that if we will all follow that tug to something that lights us up, the possibilities are limitless. Why, just look the impact that J. Paul Getty’s passion for collecting art has had on the millions who’ve visited the Getty Museum or think if Anton Chekhov had only been a physician or Gertrude Blom had not spent 5 decades chronicling the Mayan cultures of Chiapas.Alan Watts is famous for having said, “When we finally got down to something, which the individual says he really wants to do, I will say to him, you do that and forget the money, because...you’ll be doing things you don’t like doing in order to go on living, that is to go on doing things you don’t like doing, which is stupid. Better to have a short life that is full of what you like doing than a long life spent in a miserable way.” Certainly, he was encouraging ones vocational pursuit, and maybe that’s why I like the idea of developing an avocation, as it just may become your central gift to the world.